Do You Have Enough Chairs?
Author: Bryanna Campbell, PsyD
September 9, 2022
I’ve experienced many life transitions before, but this upcoming one feels different. It feels like the start of a new era. The scary part is I prayed for this exact opportunity for YEARS. I got exactly what I asked for, and yet I’m afraid/uncomfortable/suspicious at times. *whispers* What happens when you’re afraid to be happy?
You see, disappointment and I are well acquainted. I (like you) have been disappointed by people, places, and experiences that I thought were a great fit/thought had good intentions/(fill in your blank here), but ended up not being it. Were they learning and growing experiences? Yes. What I wanted? Not so much. I was used to telling myself, “this is just how it is” or “no one gets what they want most of the time.” I have talked myself out of dreaming bigger or wanting more/different so many times that it seemed normal. It was painful to admit, but part of me had come to expect disappointment. I have learned to make room for it (own special chair and all). I know it might sound strange, but it’s the truth! I had to realize that I had conditioned myself to expect negative and side eye the positive because there must be a motive somewhere (separate blog post brewing here). Since I had conditioned myself to think like that of course I tended to look for things that proved me right because why on earth could I be wrong, right?
So I should have just changed the way I thought right? We often hear that changing our thoughts can change our lives, which I think is partially true, but we also have to interact with the emotional piece too. *looks around* You still with me? This is usually where things get quiet, me included! (I usually leave for a snack right here tbh) Might there be a reason we expect such negative things? Were previous experiences saved (either by choice or automatically)?
QUESTION: What emotions are in your room that you don’t have seats for because you shoved them out the room? I mean I get it, those emotions didn’t go with the décor you had in mind for your room anyway. So ha!
I’ll give another example. You know how sometimes when you forget to save a document you’re working on your computer will do it for you? Then when you come back it will ask some version of “Do you you want to resume the old version of this document?” I imagine that that’s growth feels like to some people. A conscious choice to resume where you left off, edit the document as needed, or scrap the document completely and start over if you want to.
REAL TALK: There’s something about the discomfort of growth that forces you to see that what was done in the past no longer feels comfortable, but looking forward into the unknown feels just as (if not more) uncomfortable.
What happens when we’ve wired ourselves to be suspicious of happiness? It attempts to keep disappointment at bay, but it robs us of the chance to feel something, anything else. It’s a protective measure, but it doesn’t always serve its purpose the way we wish it would. Bad things will happen. People, places, things, and situations will disappoint us. That’s a guarantee, but good things will happen too and attention should be paid to them as well instead of seeing them as “flukes.” Plus, things aren’t typically “all good” or “all bad” either. We can see things for what they are – a mixture.
You what I realized while writing this? I need more chairs! Guess I’ll be changing my décor soon…
Say these with me:
I deserve to be happy
I do not have to struggle to feel I deserve good things
I am allowed to be afraid
I am allowed to be happy
I am allowed to experience the full spectrum of human emotion
I am allowed to feel more than one thing at once
I am allowed to flow from feeling to feeling
I am
Happiness is mine if I want it. I design it. It looks however I want it to look. Big or small. Long or short. I invite it, I welcome it, I make space for it.
Questions for you to think about:
Do you ever feel suspicious when things are going “too well?” How do you handle it?
Do you make space to feel, or are there feelings that are off limits?
Till next time.