When the Sun Shifts

Author: Bryanna Campbell, PsyD

September 2, 2022

I was on vacation a few years ago and I had an interesting thing happen while relaxing on the cruise. It was one of the days at sea and I found a beautiful place to put my chair in the shade. It was a perfect spot that was secluded from most guests on the ship. I read a little and then took a nap under the protection of the shade. About an hour later I was awakened by the sun shining on my skin. My beautiful piece of shade had moved while I was asleep and I was now out in the sun – unexpectedly exposed. It reminded me a lot of some of the seasons in my life. I had been in the shade for quite some time – a little over a year. I took a year to myself to rest, replenish, and learn what I need and how to communicate my needs when needed. Then, without any active planning I was eased back into the sunlight of life to learn and experience whatever I needed to learn in the emerging season.

LESSON: Sometimes things change rapidly, and sometimes things change so gradually that you don’t notice you’ve been pushed out of the comfort of the shade.

After grad school I decided that I needed time off to reconnect with myself and life in general. At the end of my doctoral program I found myself completely exhausted, burnt out, and numb to life. School was a safe vortex that helped me channel all of my energy and focus. I didn’t have to deal with anything so long as I was doing well in school. So, after school ended and I completed all my requirements for licensure as a psychologist my first thought was, “Well now what?” I had done what I set out to do and completed my life long goal. Strangely, my first reaction was feeling empty. For the majority of my life my purpose had been tied to academic achievement (child of immigrants here), so once that was achieved, I felt completely lost and exposed. The sun had come out while I was asleep and I had no idea what to do with myself.

LESSON: There is still life to be lived even after you achieve “the thing” you’ve worked towards.

I went into “productive” mode, trying to apply for as many jobs as possible and avoid stillness. Little did I know, the lesson I was learning was to embrace being still, learning to relax, and accepting my season of quiet. Throughout my last years of training all I said was “Once I finish this, I’m taking a year off and not doing ANYTHING.” That thought brought me so much comfort on days I was feeling overwhelmed. Yet, there I was getting exactly what I prayed for and was INCREDIBLY uncomfortable. A season of quiet challenged me to rethink my purpose and gave me the space to think about and feel all the things I had tucked away while I was in school. I was TERRIFIED. I felt so much grief. It came in wavs that seemed like they would never end. I felt all the losses that I had “pushed through.” I had time to think of all the deaths, illnesses, breakups, and life transitions that I had successfully avoided for so long. I slept all the time. I cried almost daily. I felt so alone and isolated. I had convinced myself that if I wasn’t “doing” anything then I was surely wasting time. I had to re-evaluate what made me valuable and important. There was (and still is) so much unlearning to do. I tied my sense of worth to my level of productivity and achievement, so my quiet season was a devastating hit to my self-esteem. Rebuilding has been such an important process, yet it feels like a privilege to be able to reconstruct my reality.

LESSON: Grief often coincides with growth. You are allowed to redefine things that no longer serve you.

Now, I can feel the sun shifting again and although it makes me nervous at times, I still feel excited for what’s next for me.

My questions for you to reflect on:

How has the sun shifted for you?

Have you ever had your “quiet season(s)?” How did you navigate them?

Are there things in your life that you need to redefine for the current season of your life?

Till next time.